


But You Didn't

by moonlitfool



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Fluff, M/M, WARNING there's not a lot of fluff, idk how some people can add so many tags, probably like 3 percent, some canon events are tweaked, sorry for the excessive italics, there's also nagisa and rei and sousuke but not as much as rin, tried to keep makoto and haru in character as much as i could
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22522606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlitfool/pseuds/moonlitfool
Summary: “So, please don’t let me go, Haru. Ever.” He breathes out, almost on the brink of desperation. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”It’s at this very moment that Haruka feels almost afraid of his love for Makoto. He’s suddenly aware of the red thread binding him and Makoto—fraying dangerously, straining against their sore pinkies, tangling around others. All Makoto has to do is close the scissors of fate and set himself free from the sorry, little cage Haruka’s confined him in.But he doesn't.In which Haruka recalls the times Makoto doesn’t do what he's supposed to do and the one time he does.
Relationships: Nanase Haruka/Tachibana Makoto
Comments: 8
Kudos: 65





	But You Didn't

**Author's Note:**

> (based off of this [post](https://tanasemakoharu.tumblr.com/post/182019347433/dahliadenoire-based-from-the-chinese-english-poem) and this [poem](https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/but-you-didnt-by-merrill-glass)!) oh boy, this is why i don’t normally write angsty stuff. this oneshot took me over a year to write. one because it made me too sad if i wrote for an extended period of time. two because life. but, it was honestly fun to write this 40+ page oneshot!! please let me know what you think ♡＾▽＾♡

“Haru-chan, do you remember the time when we snuck into Samezuka’s pool and totally made Rin angry?”

“Or that time when we thought Rei was going to leave the team, so we began to stalk him everywhere he went and found out him practicing with Rin?”

“What about that time when Rin thought Gou was dating one of our members, got really overprotective, and began to hassle us over his sister who had just been buying gifts for him?”

“I bet you remember that time when Gou confiscated our lunches and gave us her bento which tasted terrible because of the extra protein powder that was on it.”

“Nah, it’s probably that time when we all swam in the swimming pool filled with cherry blossoms since it was always Rin’s dream.”

“Haru, do you remember?”

“Haru.”

“Haru?”

“Remember?”

“Do you?”

_“Haru-chan, don’t you remember?”_

* * *

_Remember the time I pushed you away_

_after hurting Rin_   
_and didn’t tell you the reason why_

_because I wanted to_

_avoid hurting you too?_

* * *

Haruka remembers so clear as day the expression Rin makes when his face scrunches up so full of pain and frustration.

“I don't ever want to swim again!”

Rin falls to the floor after smashing the lenses of his goggles out with one hit, conveying all the emotions he couldn't express back in Australia in a loud wail as he clutches at nothing but his heart. He can feel Coach Sasabe burning a hole into them, looking like he’s wondering what had happened in the few seconds he had taken their eyes off of them. But from how quickly he goes back to supervising the children, he probably thinks Haruka and Rin are having one of their silly feuds again over who’s the real winner and loser.

Only this time, it isn’t just a silly feud. (He wishes it were one though.)

Unsure of what to do, Haruka stands to hover over Rin. Part of his mind wanders back to Makoto who had always been the mediator for peace within their group, Makoto who had always been the one to defuse the tension after their arguments, Makoto who had always been there to put a hand on either shoulder and whisper soothing words, Makoto who always had tolerated all of their childish antics, Makoto who always had Rin cheer up in a blink of an eye, Makoto who always had Haruka forget about everything that had just happened. And Haruka tries to do the same, a hand reaching out for his shoulder in an attempt to make amends, fumbling awkwardly over his words that go through deaf ears. 

Haruka tries to do the same, but he’s not Makoto.

Rin brushes him off without uttering a single syllable, head hung low. Then, he flees to the locker rooms, stumbling along with his choked sniffles and whimpers. When Haruka trails in a few minutes after him, the locker rooms are empty. 

Rin doesn't wait to walk home with him. Rin doesn't even tell him goodbye.

And Haruka remembers so clear as day when he registers how it had been his swimming that hurt Rin, how that hurt should be the kind of hurt no one should be able to experience, and how it is the reason why Rin now hates him. 

His swimming will only continue to be the reason why more people will get hurt. And that expression he has seen on Rin, it’s an expression that no one should be able to know how to make. It is an expression he doesn’t want to see on anyone else. Not on his friends. Not on his family. Not on…

Not on Makoto.

Makoto who is so much more than a friend, than a family member.

Makoto who holds such an indescribable position in Haruka’s life.

Makoto who could run away from him at any moment, just like Rin.

(His heart throbs.)

And now he’s gone and ruin the fruits of Makoto’s labor.

He tries to imagine Makoto with the expression Rin had made earlier. And suddenly, Haruka feels the weight of his guilt pressing harder down onto his shoulder, nausea crawling its way up from his stomach to his throat. Makoto had been the one to introduce Haruka to the world of swimming. Makoto had been the one to befriend Rin before anyone else. Makoto had been the one to unite a style of passion and a style of beauty. Makoto had been the one to make his life easier. 

Makoto had been the one to gift Haruka all these great blessings and is the only person still by his side after all these years. If Makoto ends up leaving him behind too… Haruka… doesn't know what he would do.

(If Rin, someone who's clung to him from the first time he's watched Haruka dive into the water, leaves him behind, who's to say Makoto wouldn't?)

\- - -

Haruka starts his journey of repentance by leaving the swim club.

Swimming competitively, after all, is a door he's left open for far too long.

\- - -

For an hour each day, Haruka lays face down on his desk like he's been doing for the past three weeks. 

He’s sinking.

Suffocating.

Then drowning.

Guilt usually has a strong hold on him and he usually gets by the day just fine. But today, today, he can’t even find it within himself to raise his head to greet the person who’s been sitting next to him or acknowledge their presence… although he doesn’t really need to look to know it is Makoto. All he can hear is the sound of the clock ticking, the sound of color pencils roughly scratching against the paper, and the sound of his heart thumping loudly against his chest.

Makoto is drawing again. Just like he has been for the past three weeks.

It’s torturing.

Eventually, Haruka can't bear it anymore, and he pushes himself off the surface of the desk and faces Makoto directly. The pencil doesn't stop sketching out, from what looks like, various sea creatures under the night sky, among them a dolphin and orca swimming alongside each other.

“Makoto, you have to leave me,” are the words that come tumbling out of Haruka’s mouth—it's raw, unfiltered, harsher than he intended it to be.

_Leave me. Leave me. Leave me._

But Makoto only continues to draw, not glancing up even once to meet Haruka’s gaze. “... Am I… bothering you?”

Even if it’s not the truth, Haru wants to say yes.

“You're in the swim club. You can't keep skipping meetings all the time for me,” Haruka retorts. When has Makoto even been into drawing anyways?

“You can’t either.” Makoto shoots back immediately, almost as if he's read the words inside Haruka’s mind before it left his mouth.

Haruka flinches, biting the inside of his cheek just enough to hurt but not enough to draw blood. “Makoto, I told you. I’m not swimming anymore.” He adds quietly. “I quit forever.”

Makoto hesitates then tries to play it casual by pretending to professionally shade the animals in, his voice a notch lower than it had been before. Haru pretends not to notice the hurt that flickers across his face as he nibbles on the bottom of his lip. “Then, I’m not swimming either.”

What?

The chair Haruka’s been sitting on squeaks sharply across the floor and topples over to the ground with a loud crash. “Why?! Why can’t you just leave me alone?!”

And this time, Makoto switches his focus from his drawing entirely to Haruka. There's a frown tugging at the end of his lips, eyes glistening with a layer of unshed tears. “Because...”

“Y-you _love_ to swim!” He’s uncharacteristically stuttering, fingers grasping the side of his pants. “Why are you doing this to yourself?!” This is not how things are supposed to go. Makoto should be in the pool having fun without him. Makoto should be at practice right now. Makoto should be swimming. Makoto should be someplace far, far away from him.

Makoto deserves a life without Haruka to drag him down.

Makoto deserves to have better people in his life, he deserves a better everything—anything not Haruka.

Not Haruka.

Makoto contemplates this for some time, looking as if he doesn’t want to answer. For the first time in his life, Haruka can't read the expression behind vibrant green eyes.

* * *

_I thought you'd give up on me…_

* * *

_“_ Haru, _you_ love to swim too.”

“ _No_ , you should go on without me. Don’t let me drag you down—”

_“—_ Of course—”

“— _Makoto_.” Haruka’s heart drops along with the light in his eyes and the hope he had left in the tips of his fingers. “Then, _go_.” He croaks out feebly, barely managing a whisper. “Why are you still here?—”

_“—_ No, Haru. You didn’t let me finish.” His eyes flash dangerously. “Of course _not_. What makes you think going on without you is the best thing for me? What makes you think, even if just for a second, that I want to leave? Who are you to decide my future and feelings? I'm staying. I’m going to stick around, and you’ll be so sick of me, but that’s okay. It’s fine. It’s what I want. It’s what I’ve decided for myself.” Makoto is shaking, still refusing to move. “And it’s the best thing that I’ve decided for myself.”

The adorable expression Makoto wears whenever he’s shy and embarrassed is here now. “To be here with you, I mean.”

* * *

_But you didn't._

* * *

_“_ So, please don’t let me go, Haru. Ever.” He breathes out, almost on the brink of desperation. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”  
  
It’s at this very moment that Haruka feels almost afraid of his love for Makoto. He’s suddenly aware of the red thread binding him and Makoto—fraying dangerously, straining against their sore pinkies, tangling around others. All Makoto has to do is close the scissors of fate and set himself free from the sorry, little cage Haruka’s confined him in.   
  
But he doesn't.

And he’s so, so, so grateful for that.

“I won’t ask for any details, Haru… I won’t force you to tell me anything you don’t want me to know either...” Makoto continues, finally breaking their gaze; he sweeps his art supplies into a pencil bag. There’s the hue of pink spreading across his cheeks mirroring the one upon his own face. “Just… let me stay. If not for you, then for me.”

(If he's drowning, then Makoto is his savior who pulls him out in time.)

_“_ Let’s go sign up for the art club then. That’s originally what you wanted to join at the beginning of the year.”

Haruka stills. 

Breathes.

Then nods.

(Because suddenly, green is the color that breaks through his little bubble of blurry monochromatic colors and paints his world as he stands, barely registering the fact that Makoto is so unwilling to let him go.)

And that night before he drifts off to sleep, Haruka thinks about Makoto’s drawing of incomplete fireworks painting the night sky above the dolphin and orca.

* * *

_Remember the time I called you too_

_meddlesome_

* * *

_“_ But, your dream—”

“You’re saying this too?!”

At that moment, Haruka spits out flames and Makoto spills the fuel that helps it grow dangerously. Makoto accidentally gives him too much one turn and Haruka finds himself viciously scorching him with everything he’s been bottling up over the past year from the talk of dreams and futures. And as tight as Makoto’s grip is on his arm, as much as Haruka doesn’t want Makoto to let go, he continues to shove Makoto back, desperately hoping to get it in his head that he doesn’t want to change.

He doesn’t want to swim for someone else.

He wants to continue swimming for his friends.

For himself.

For Makoto.

Not for headlines or records or fans or pictures or fame.

“You are so meddlesome! Why do you insist on poking your nose in places it doesn’t belong?!” Haruka breathes out in a mix of fury and wretchedness. “Why don't you find a dream for yourself before making me find one?! Leave me alone!”

Haruka’s fine just the way he is, so why is Makoto trying so hard to make him follow everyone else?! Why doesn’t Makoto understand that the reason why his swimming is so beautiful, is because it’s an art form of all his friendships put together and that no one can recreate his technique because it’s his and only his? Why doesn’t Makoto understand that the reason why his swimming is so beautiful, is because he’s been by Haruka’s side for so long and has never let go throughout those years, even when Haruka was—is—being difficult? Why doesn’t Makoto understand that the reason why his swimming is so beautiful is because Makoto sets him free?

“Well?! Say something!”

The same pang of guilt he felt during middle school wracks his chest when Makoto musters up an expression that he’s spent his whole life preventing but quickly dissipates, replaced with ugly bitterness, as he watches the whirlwind of emotions stir up behind dim eyes. Makoto parts his lips and the irritation from earlier sparks up again when a whimper escapes from Makoto’s throat instead of words.

For someone who doesn’t know how or when to shut up, for someone who always comforts people with his words, for someone who knows how to fill the air with frivolous details of his day—he sure doesn’t have anything to say now. And Haruka tries to steady his uneven breathing, watching Makoto drag the unbearable silence along with the growing distance between them as he staggers backwards.

His grip gradually loosens.

Then, he does something Haruka thought he’d never do in a million years.

He lets go.

_Isn’t this what you wanted?_

_To be free._

Although he isn’t holding Haruka anymore, the place where he refused to budge from still tingles with warmness and safeness and Haruka wants to tell it, “No, don’t go away!” because it’s fading away so fast and there’s nothing he can do to keep it—there’s nothing he can do to keep Makoto, someone who’s clung to his side since before they were born, someone who deserves so much more than what Haruka can give him. All he can do is stand there, frozen in time and space.

_Free_.

And unlike Haruka who continues gaping at his arm he keeps hovering in the air, Makoto’s hand falls unnaturally to his side.

Now all he feels is anxiousness and loneliness and he's cold and terrified and he’s regretting everything that he's said and he wants to cry because _he’s_ the one who’s supposed to push people away not _Makoto_ and tell him to please hold his hand again—

_“—_ Tokyo, Haru.” Makoto enunciates, staring straight into Haruka’s terrified eyes. “ _I found my dream in Tokyo._ ”

A dream… without him? 

_Free_.

Haruka barely registers the fireworks shooting up with a squeal, bursting into flames above them.

Just like the sensation within his mind and heart.

And at that moment, Haruka tells himself: “Ah, so this is what Makoto has been struggling with.” The way he would wait for Haruka to answer questions about dreams and futures before answering himself, his work at the swim club with the kids, then the race with Haruka. It all makes sense now—all Haruka had to do was connect the pieces and see what he was missing.

But he didn’t, always too focused on himself and how the world seemingly revolves around him than to notice the person who's been by his side since before day one. He’s always been a few steps ahead of Makoto, leaving him behind in the dust just to catch up with whomever. And when Makoto finally finds what he wants to do for himself, Haruka’s stuck.

The one who really needs the other isn’t Makoto; it’s _him_.

And seeing Makoto waiting patiently for Haruka to answer—just like he’s been all these past years instead of seething, he feels a rush of annoyance and displeasure, more at himself than at Makoto. At least Haruka has some form of venting out his anger, but Makoto doesn’t have that. Makoto doesn’t have anyone to vent to. Makoto has Haruka… but Haruka…

Haruka is selfish.

Haruka is selfish, unlike Makoto who puts others before himself.

Haruka is selfish, unlike Makoto who forgets to take care of himself because he’s too busy taking care of others.

Haruka is selfish, unlike Makoto who bottles up his problems because he doesn’t wish to burden people with his life.

Haruka is selfish, unlike Makoto who considers himself as last priority. 

Haruka is selfish, unlike Makoto who loves everyone else before loving himself.

Haruka is…

Haruka is selfish.

Selfish.

Haruka is selfish. 

He’s selfish, selfish, selfish. 

He’s so selfish.

Haruka is selfish, so he does the only thing he _can_ do. 

Run.

Run far, _far_ away.

Away from all his problems.

Away from all the people he loves.

And away from the one he loves most in his dark and murky world, Makoto.

~~Running is the only thing he ever does anyway.~~

* * *

_And then ran off to Australia for the next few days_

_without a single text or call_

* * *

Before Haruka can realize what he's doing, he's on a plane to Australia with Rin. And Rin fills the silence with endless chatter about all the places in Australia and how Haruka should feel more excited to see Rin’s second home.

Haruka knows he should pay more attention to Rin because his stories might come in handy when entering an English speaking country because he's terrible dealing with new.

But all he can think about is twinkling green eyes and the smile that lights up his whole world and the hand that holds him everywhere he goes.

The hand that…

… that also let him go.

Suddenly, all Haruka can think about is shaky, wet eyes and frowns and—oh, _God_ —his face.

Before he can realize what he's doing, he's stumbling over Rin, who only grunts because he’s too busy texting somebody on the phone, to lock himself in the bathroom at the end of the aisle.

And once Haruka’s inside, he’s crying and crying and crying and crying ‘till he can't breathe; nauseous when he realizes Makoto has been alone the entire time he has not.

He's drowning for the second time in his life and this time Makoto isn't here to pull him out to safety.

\- - -

The first couple of days, they go sightseeing all over Australia. Rin introduces him to Lori and Russell and shows off his collection of medallions collected over the years and boasts about how the serving sizes here are much bigger than the sizes back home. He tells Haruka stories about his childhood during his time in Australia right after he left Japan along with photos of his old school and team relays and individual medleys.

It takes a week for Haruka to feel somewhat better—the emptiness doesn't go away though—and finally is beginning to push away any lingering thoughts about Makoto in his mind.

That is… until Rin drags him to the beach.

The beach Rin takes him to remind him of the beaches back in Japan. The sand is even and light, the water is clear, there are palm trees planted in every spot twenty feet from each other. It reminds Haruka exactly of the beach near his home, the beach him and Makoto often walked by to get to and from school, the beach him and Makoto used to go on their weekly jogs, the beach he walks closer to because of Makoto’s fear of the ocean, the beach that almost takes Rei and Makoto away on that stormy night.

The beach where he almost lost Makoto.

And even though they're not together at a beach now, Haruka’s still going to lose him.

“I didn't bring my swimsuit, Rin,” Haruka says as they approach the water. He makes a spot for himself some way far from the waves, laying a jacket down over the sand to prevent any from sneaking into his jeans.

Rin breaks his gaze from the ocean, amusement tickling his facial features. “I cannot believe you forget your swimsuit when we go to Australia of all places.”

Looking away from his lifelong rival, a feeling of shame suddenly washes over Haruka. “I didn't forget it.”

The look on his face tells Rin everything he needs to know.

“You fight with Makoto or something?”

Haruka doesn't need to say anything for Rin to understand.

“What's the big deal?” Rin snorts, both hands are clasped behind his head as he whips away from him. “Sousuke and I fight all the time.”

“It was,” his throat threatens to close up and his heart is clenching just like that night, “our first fight.”

And probably the last.

He doesn’t say that though.

Rin freezes. “Ouch,” he mutters after a second, “the first fight is always the worst.”

“And… I didn't feel like being home right now.”

“Home, huh...”

“Yeah.”

“Well, speaking of home,” Rin starts off, shifting oh-so-slightly so that the sun shines directly in his eyes and it reminds him so badly of his smile, “I still haven’t told you the real reason why we’re here in Australia.”

* * *

_Even though you’ve helped me get through so much_

* * *

Makoto had asked Rin to help him.

Makoto had asked Rin to help Haruka realize his dream.

Makoto had asked Rin because he felt that he was not enough for Haruka.

Makoto had asked Rin because he felt that he couldn't help Haruka.

Makoto had asked Rin because he felt that he wasn’t the one for Haruka.

And Haruka breaks out into a sobbing mess right in front of Rin, who’s startled because of the sudden change in his normally stoic facade. Haruka wants to reach out and tell Makoto that just him being by Haruka’s side is more than enough help. Haruka wants to reach out and tell Makoto that there’s no one else in the world he would rather have by his side than him. Haruka wants to reach out and tell Makoto that Haruka is the one who isn't enough for Makoto, not the other way around. It’s so foolish for Makoto to think so in the first place.

Haruka wants to reach out and tell Makoto that he’ll always be the one.

Haruka wants to reach out, but…

* * *

_Just because I was too scared to face you?_

* * *

_“_ And... I… I’m just so, so a-afraid,” he’s gasping for breath and his lungs sting, “of what... more he’ll say to me that he has… hasn’t! He’s going to leave me, Rin! The only person who’s ever been my side is going to leave!”

Rin is sitting next to him, a hand propped behind him and all traces of his normally playful, snarky personality are gone. “C’mon, you of all people should know Makoto isn't like that. He doesn’t hold grudges. That guy couldn’t hurt a fly!”

He’s trying his best to comfort Haruka, but it’s something that only one person in the world knows how to do and he’s not here. He’s erupting hiccups from his throat, eyes like a broken dam, and hands rubbing violently on his chest almost as if the pain is a parasite he wants to physically remove. “Hand…!” Haruka blubbers and raises his arm, fingers lightly grazing the spot where Makoto’s grip had been and he whimpers more loudly than he had intended. “He... let go of my _hand_!”

_“_ Your… hand…?” Rin asks, his face scrunched up like he thinks Haruka is crazy. He averts his gaze to the pale arm hovering in front of him, scrutinizing it as if his life depends on it.

“He never… _never_ let me go before, and I said such nasty things to his face and that he needed to step out of my... life, and I tried so hard to protect him, but I was the one who hurt him even though he’s helped me get through so much, and I don’t want him to ever leave me, and I always want to stay with him, always, and be with him and all these ‘what if’ scenarios in my head are driving me _insane_ —”

_“—_ Haru,” Rin cuts in, a small chuckle vibrating through his lips, “you two are literally married. Whatever Makoto is feeling right now, whatever he’s doing right now, and whatever he wants to say… I can _promise_ you that he won’t ever change his feelings about you and that he won’t leave you behind. And I know you won’t either. So, stop crying so much about it, you big baby.”

* * *

_I thought you'd start hating me…_

* * *

When the crowd disperses throughout the wide center of the airport, Haruka sees green standing by the belt barriers, pink dusting the apples of his cheeks as he locks onto him with a careful gaze.

Right.

He can do this.

It’s just Makoto.

Makoto.

_Tachibana Makoto._

_The_ Tachibana Makoto.

The Makoto who he sees as his everything.

The Makoto who fills in the hollow cracks of his existence.

  
The Makoto who fits into his life like a missing puzzle piece.

The Makoto who’ll hate him after one big mistake.

  
The Makoto who—

“—Haru.”

Shyly, Haruka lifts his head to look at Makoto.

* * *

_But you didn't_.

* * *

Haruka searches for any hints of anger or resentment that Makoto might harbor against him, but there is none. Instead, all he sees is crinkled eyes and a warm hand he’s itching to take into his own embrace.

And every single step Haruka takes to be closer to Makoto, he feels that everything will be okay, everything will be alright because then Makoto grins, tilting his head like he always does while holding out his hand for Haruka to take.

(It sends his heart quivering and fluttering against his ribcage. The breath he had taken in order to say that first ‘hi’ is now gone.)

This time, not only does the world brighten like it always does, the view he has of it is crisp and clear and pristine. He can finally see the road in front of him, his life and dream in front of him, who’s in front of him—waiting patiently, quietly, softly like he always has been since forever.

“Welcome home,” is what Makoto says, head tilted innocently.

The words that escape his lips like air soon after are, “I’m home.”

(It’s not Japan that he calls home, nor is it Iwatobi.

Rather it’s Makoto. 

Tachibana. 

Makoto.

Because home will definitely, always, undoubtedly be wherever Makoto is.

He’ll never forget that.)

* * *

_Remember the time we grew apart_

_because of how long we spent away from each other?_

* * *

It's been approximately five months, six days, and ten hours since he's last seen Makoto.

Since Haruka hasn't gone without Makoto for this long, he's learned how to use his phone: the functions, alarms, more importantly the call and texting applications. Haru has a faint idea of what to do, thanks to Makoto who takes the time to teach him the basics before they part ways in Tokyo. With some more effort, Haruka finds out how to upload a new photo for his wallpaper and chooses a picture that Makoto took of the both of them.

  
Funny enough, Makoto isn’t looking at the camera, despite being the one taking the photo. Instead, he’s looking down at Haruka, who’s holding his own phone in the photo with a strange expression on his face, with the widest grin on his face.

(Sometimes, Haruka wonders what wallpaper Makoto’s chosen for his background and if the photo Makoto’s chosen is of them or kittens—nah, it’s probably the kittens.)

Now Haruka has gotten into the routine of carrying and using his phone everywhere because now Makoto calls and texts him frequently—it’s a shame, though, Haruka doesn’t have a laptop to see him. Ah, well, he settles fine with the sound of his voice and little faces he sends along in his messages.

At least he has some form of communication with Makoto, even if it's a bit tedious. Rin, on the other hand, goes through hell just to talk to Sousuke—or so he hears from Gou. (Although Haruka can't see why Rin won't just contact Gou to get to Sousuke, but he supposes it's just not the same.)

When the school break rolls around, Haruka is brimming with excitement, overloaded with emotions he’s been harboring for Makoto since day one. From there, it only swells up more, threatening to break out of its shell as the words he has been dying to tell Makoto since forever becomes increasingly harder to say. But Haruka never spills it out.

Instead, Haruka finds himself in front of the shrine regularly just a few streets away from his apartment, praying for the distance between their hearts to, rather than stay unchanging, shrink to make up for the time they spend apart.

The first time Haruka realizes the distance has put a strain on their relationship is the first time Haruka sees an expression he cannot read on Makoto’s face as he’s talking to another one of his admirers—a phase Haruka thought they both left behind in highschool.

Venting to Rin about his problem doesn't help much because then the redhead snickers, “Jealousy is normal between a married couple, you idiot!” and points an accusing finger as his other hand is over his mouth obnoxiously—Haruka just sighs, everything Rin says in this day and age is just pure nonsense.

But the thought of being married to Makoto surprisingly doesn’t annoy Haruka like the talk of jealousy, which only brings back irritable memories of when Kisumi tried—approximately two hundred and thirty-four times in those three damn years—to sweep Makoto away on his feet. Spending forever with Makoto is something he’d want too, except Haruka doesn’t care much for labels or being legally “bound” to someone on unnecessary paperwork.

And maybe being married to Makoto means seeing him more, to be closer and better soulmates than ever before.

Being apart from Makoto… it makes his heart ache in ways it hadn’t before. 

Asahi, who changes next to him in the locker rooms, jokingly tells him in passing that maybe Makoto is tired of being the one initiating conversations and meetups all the time. Then, upon seeing the crestfallen expression on Haruka’s face, Asahi laughs sheepishly with a hand behind his head and waves off his comment. “Just kidding! I was just kidding, Haru! Makoto could never get tired of you.”

Haruka looks away, doubt now settling in the bottom of his heart. Even more so when Makoto doesn’t reply as often as he used to on message and when his calls stop coming through on Friday nights.

After a lot of tossing and turning in the middle of the night, Haruka reaches for his phone and decides on shooting a quick text to Makoto asking to meet up the next day.

His heart finally calms when a text comes through four minutes later with a short, “OK :).”

(It will be good to bring up why Makoto is up so late on a Wednesday night. Makoto has a habit of pulling all-nighters for his assignments and overdosing on caffeine. Haruka would usually be the one to drape a blanket over Makoto’s sleeping frame and fall asleep across from him.

But also… has anybody else done that for him? Has anybody replaced him? Is he with anybody this late at night?)

* * *

_How unfamiliar we once seemed to each other?_

* * *

_“—_ Haru-chan, I’m right behind you.”

When he turns around, Haruka doesn’t expect Makoto to be wearing a leather jacket with his hair somewhat slicked back. Seeing Makoto in a new style sucks the air out of his lungs and leaves Haruka gaping at the man in front of him. “Wha—Ma—?”

With the new appearance, the Makoto who smiles sheepishly with a hand behind his neck looks a bit out of place. “Do I look weird? I’ve been trying out something new.”

Still wide eyed, Haruka shakes his head. “No… no… Just… different.” 

That’s right. Even if Makoto looks different, he’s still the same Makoto who grew up by his side all those years. Though Haruka tries to tell himself that, the feelings of Iwatobi has been zapped out of Makoto’s appearance. It’s uncomfortable and strange. It’s not his place to tell Makoto what to wear, but it makes him feel unfamiliar.

The time they’ve spent apart has indeed put a wedge between their hearts. 

(To be quite honest, Makoto looks pretty handsome with his hair slicked back like that. The leather jacket, however, Haruka does not care much for.)

As they begin to walk through the park, cherry blossoms falling around the two, Haruka notices the change in Makoto’s walk. Not only is his chest more puffed up, but his arms sway stiffly back and forth by his side. Makoto walks more with faked arrogance than with the gentle breeze that he’s used to. Unlike before, the air around him is cold and distant. Even though they’re only an arm's length away, Makoto seems untouchable and a universe apart.

Haruka can’t remember the last time he’s felt this awkward around Makoto… if there was even a last time. And he doesn’t like it at all.

Plus, it’s a bit funny that Makoto chose this attire of all things today considering that they were planning to stop by a small café before watching _The Bat Returns_ , an animation about a girl who saves a bat from dying and becomes deeply involved with their kingdom. (Makoto wanted to watch it since forever just because he heard there were cats in it.)

_“_ Oh? Is this where you wanted to go to, Haru?” Makoto nudges his head towards the café on his right.

It’s a local café, squished between a flower shop and hair salon. It’s the type of place Haruka chose with Makoto in mind, considering he likes cutesy places with a sweet atmosphere. Now that they’re actually here, Haruka isn’t so sure if Makoto’s interests have stayed the same.

“Yeah, it was.”

The Makoto from before would have sighed in relief and thanked Haruka for not taking them to a mackerel restaurant, eyes sparkling at all the desserts lined up behind the glass. The Makoto now barely spares a glance at the decorations and peers at his watch instead—the orange one had been swapped out for black. “Looks nice.”

(Haruka’s heart drops just a little.)

* * *

_I thought you'd take this chance to finally leave me..._

* * *

Aside from the mountains of dessert this café offered, Haruka chose this place because of how much they catered to chocolate connoisseurs. Haruka half-expected for Makoto to do a complete one-eighty and order at least two chocolate items off the menu like he always does. Instead, the waiter comes back with his order of a tuna sandwich and tea and Makoto’s order of a straight-up black coffee and measly crackers.

“ _That’s_ your order?”

Makoto looks off the side, a bit sheepish. “Y-yeah. I started drinking coffee to stay up during my classes. The classes in college are so much longer, and I always found myself dozing off during the second half. A friend recommended me to try coffee one day.” He laughs, “So, now here I am.”

Haruka can’t help but grimace. “You drink coffee without any creamer or sugar? You used to hate black coffee back in highschool.”

Then, Makoto turns back and stares straight into his eyes. “I guess I changed.”

Right. Haruka’s been denying it all along, but it’s obvious that Makoto has changed.

Instead of the childhood friend he had grown up with since before they could even walk, in front of him sits a stranger. This stranger has his hair slicked back and wears a leather jacket in a modern fashion. Unlike the Makoto who used to sit in his chair leaning forward, this stranger slumps back and crosses his legs under the table, arm strung over the empty chair next to him. This stranger keeps his gaze away from Haruka’s and stares steadily at the road outside.

This stranger wears the same mask as his childhood friend, Tachibana Makoto.

Haruka is the one who speaks first. “Um, so, how has school been for you? How has Tokyo been treating you?”

Without skipping a beat, Makoto replies, still not taking his eyes away from the window. “It’s been fine. I haven’t been able to take a break from school, and Tokyo’s been fun. I made a lot of friends at school. One even convinced me to join a volunteering club. How about you, Haru?”

When Makoto makes eye contact with him again, it’s almost stone-cold, half-lidded as if Makoto doesn’t really care to hear Haruka’s answer to his question. “Ah.” He chokes out, heart dampening at the fact that Makoto didn’t mention anything about swimming. “Tokyo has a different atmosphere from Iwatobi, but I’ve been adjusting well. It reminds me of highschool, except I have more free time for swimming.” Haruka averts his gaze to his drink. “... You still swim too… don’t you?”

For a split second, Haruka swears there’s a gloomy expression flickers over Makoto’s face before disappearing into a distant smile. “With my new club, I don’t really have time for swimming anymore.”

“Oh,” Haruka offers lamely.

It’s no surprise that the conversation quickly dies down between the two of them. The Makoto back then would’ve found a topic to fill the silence—silence that had turned awkward since when? The Makoto now doesn’t do anything more than nibble on the edge of his crackers and stare idly outside of the window, hand propped up underneath his chin. Makoto almost looks like he’s bored of their hangout, their food, their friendship, _Haruka_. 

To shift his mind off of his sinking heart, Haruka settles on watching the couple by the window behind Makoto. Instead of avoiding each other’s gazes, there’s crinkled eyes, warm smiles, and sharp laughter that rings through the air every few seconds. The atmosphere over in their little corner is so warm and inviting unlike the icy table Haruka sits at. Seeing the couple having the time of their life tinges his senses with bittersweetness, but he can’t look away no matter how hard he tries.

The man then picks up a fork and digs it into one of the many baked goods sitting on their table. He brings it up to the woman’s lips, mouthing ‘ah’ as he gently feeds her. As the woman bites down onto the fork, a twinge of pain shoots across Haruka’s chest. It’s so hard to ignore the happiness the couple exudes, and Haruka could only remember how much Makoto and him used to be like them.

Once upon a time, Makoto and him used to visit little cafés like this. Makoto used to try to feed him cakes and pastries he would order because it was too much for one person. Makoto used to melt into a goopy smile and gaze at him with such a mushy expression that would make his insides turn inside and out. Makoto used to commit his every being to the things and people around him, even if it hurts him. Makoto used to care more. Makoto used to be more like… Makoto.

No matter how far Haruka reaches his hand out, Makoto walks miles away from him. Makoto is slipping away, away, so far away from him. And with the growing distance, Makoto takes Haruka’s heart away. 

With that, Haruka feels like such a worrywart, too anxious about various things about their relationship.

When Haruka glances back at Makoto and sees a cup of untouched coffee and crackers with a few measly nibbles on the edge in comparison to his almost gone tuna sandwich, he scrunches his face. Makoto doesn’t seem to be enjoying anything at all with his lips drawn into a tiny pout and nose pinched as if he tasted something foul. Even if Makoto ordered something he did not like, he would still try to finish it to the best of his abilities.

That being said, the cup of coffee still sat there, cold. Is this how Makoto felt back in high school? When Haruka refused to talk to him about anything?

“You still didn’t touch your coffee, Makoto.” His voice comes out as a small whisper, trembling.

Makoto turns back to him, reluctant to answer. Then, he averts his eyes to the table, and for a second, there's a glimpse of the past that rushes past Makoto’s face. “I know…”

Haruka tilts his head to the side, mirroring the way Makoto’s laces his fingers together in front of him. “You barely ate your crackers either.”

Then, Makoto’s the one to scrunch up his entire face, eyes clouding over with a mist Haruka’s all too familiar with. “ _Haru_ ,” he chokes out, voice thick with emotions, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

And with that, Haruka’s heart stops.

“W-What do you mean?” Haruka stutters, words tumbling out like a waterfall. “What do you mean you can’t do this anymore?”

His question draws a shaky sigh out of Makoto. “I don’t think I can keep up with you anymore. I’m scared,” Makoto sounds weak, “I feel like you’re about to leave me behind. It’s hard to reach out to you and talk because I don’t know if you still like the same things and people. I don't even know if your being here right now is out of love or obligation! I’m afraid that if I keep reaching out, you’ll be sick of me and leave me behind for this big city.” Makoto pants hard, hands curling up into a ball. “If it’s to keep you by my side, I want to change too—”

Haruka stills, not able to process Makoto’s flurry of words. “Wait, _what_? Is this how you felt the entire time?”

Makoto nods, too ashamed to bring his eyes up to meet Haruka’s. “Did I suffocate you?”

Instead of replying, Haruka begins laughing. He’s laughing so much that he can’t breathe. So much that Makoto snaps back up to meet his gaze, confused. Haruka laughs until he’s shaking in his seat, tears leaking out of the corner of his eyes. He feels so overwhelmed with emotions that he didn’t even realize when his laughter had turned into sobbing.

“Haru…?”

* * *

_But you didn't._

* * *

_“_ Stupid, stupid, _stupid_!” Haruka almost screams, collapsing into his own hands. With the relief that rushes over him, he’s acting out of character. It almost zaps all of his energy out. “Why would you even think that?!”

_“_ I-I thought you would’ve wanted to be alone in Tokyo…”

“Stupid!” Haruka all but yells again. “Is that why you stopped contacting me?”

“I-it’s just that my friend—”

“What friend?” Haruka retorts, annoyed that Makoto is bringing up a third party. He’s already irritated enough to be acting unlike himself, and Makoto somehow finds a way to make it worse. “What does he have to do with this?”

“He’s the one who told me that you’d be annoyed with me. And I didn’t want that, so I took his advice on changing my style and attitude to fit the city more. He said I was boring and that you’d get sick of me. I didn’t believe him at first because… it’s _you_ , Haru. But, I couldn’t help but think that one day… you’d want to be free from me.” Makoto finally lets his shoulders drop from the tension. “Besides, this leather jacket isn’t even mine. It’s my friend’s.”

_“_ Don’t go and decide my feelings on your own!”

Makoto stays silent, chewing on his bottom lip. The tension that had been in the air before dissipates. Now, Haruka just feels like he’s about to cry again. Because he’s sad or happy or relieved, he doesn’t know. “You know, I thought you were bored of me.”

The image of a stranger begins to melt into Tachibana Makoto. “No! Haru-chan, I could never get bored of you!”

“Asahi mentioned after a swim meet one day that maybe you got tired of reaching out to me all the time. You actually stopped some time after that, so I thought he was right.” Haruka lets out a breathy chuckle, “Looks like we were both fools, huh.”

“Yeah.” Makoto giggles, wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve. “I don’t know why I believed my friend over you, Haru.”

“Same here.”

This time when Makoto sighs, it’s one full of happiness, content. “It was just one big misunderstanding. Geez…” Then, the smile drops from his face, and he’s looking directly into Haruka’s eyes. His voice is steady, so serious to startle Haruka. “But, I would never ever get tired of you. Never.”

The words create a ripple of pink, red, orange, and heat running across his entire body, and Haruka’s positive it shows on his face. He gently pounds his fists on the table. “I would never get tired of you either, Makoto!”

There’s another laugh. Makoto’s smile is blinding him again. “I’m glad.”

(Before they leave for the movie, Makoto takes off his leather jacket, placing it on his seat before telling Haruka that he’s off to the restroom. Haruka reaches into his bag and quickly pulls out a pencil, scribbling words onto a tissue.

He almost writes, ‘I love Makoto for Makoto,’ but settles for, ‘Makoto is Makoto! Don’t give him any strange ideas >:(‘ Shoving his pencil back into his bag, Haruka slips the tissue into the leather jacket’s pocket. Satisfied with his work, Haruka leans back into his chair, waiting for Makoto to return. 

Happy. It’s all he feels.)

* * *

_There were plenty of things you did to put up with me,_   
_to keep me happy, to love me, to protect me_

* * *

Every waking moment with Tachibana Makoto is a breath of happiness. Haruka can’t even imagine a life without him. From playing in the sandbox to walking under the cherry blossom trees to swimming together, Makoto’s brought a storm of colors and emotions into Haruka’s life. Things he couldn’t even imagine doing were possible became possible with Makoto around.

Even when he went through a rough patch with Rin, Makoto still remained by his side, unwavering. Instead of prying information out of him, Makoto acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary, which was exactly what he needed. Makoto was his other half. Without speaking out loud, Makoto knew exactly what he was thinking.

From the smallest things like splitting their popsicle in half to things like Makoto pulling Haruka out of the pool to bigger things like moving to Tokyo together, a life without Makoto became truly impossible.

A life without Makoto would be a monochromatic life. Monotone. Mediocre. Meh.

It would be a life he would not want to live.

Haruka grew up without a real family. Though his parents were there from the start, it was actually the Tachibanas who welcomed him with open arms. Makoto’s parents treated Haruka like their own son. Tachibana Ren and Ran treated Haruka like their own brother. He never felt out of place whenever he was in their house. Having to leave their home at the end of the day became harder than leaving the pool.

With the Tachibanas, Haruka never really felt the hole his own parents left in his heart.

Makoto was the door to being able to be a part of the Tachibana family.

Throughout his entire life, Makoto showed him nothing but love. 

When Haruka became a swimmer, it was Makoto who had gotten him into the sport. When Haruka had a falling out with Rin, Makoto was the one who supported him silently through it all. When Haruka almost drowned to death at the river, Makoto was the one who sobbed for his return. When Haruka began swimming again in high school, it was with Makoto’s help that he was able to endure it. When Haruka didn’t dry himself off after getting out of the pool or shower, Makoto was the one who passed him the towel. When Haruka didn’t know what to do with his future, Makoto was the one who pushed him by telling him he was going off to Tokyo.

Makoto was the one. Makoto was the one for him.

No... Makoto _is_ the one.

Even when it wasn’t his problem, Makoto stepped in between him and Hiyori to prevent Haruka from getting hurt. Makoto became the shield to things Haruka couldn’t deal with on his own. Makoto was his pillar. Even if it got a bit much and Haruka grew sick of his nagging, deep down inside he knew he would feel lonely without his lectures.

It was only after they moved to Tokyo that the feelings Haruka’s harbored for Makoto since day one manifested and became a big ball of emotions.

Feeling overwhelmed, Haruka reached over to his bedside table and grabbed his phone, dialing for Makoto’s number.

* * *

_and there are so_

_many things I wanted to tell you_

* * *

_“_ Ah, Haru! Why are you calling me so late at night? Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Makoto’s voice is like a blanket of warmth that washes over him. Erratic emotions tucked underneath the covers.

“I should be asking you the same thing.” Haruka shoots back teasingly. “Why are you still up?”

There’s a nervous chuckle. “I’m studying for a test tomorrow. It’s worth a big chunk of my grade, and I can’t afford getting a bad grade in this class.”

“Let me guess… you’re studying for English?”

“H-how did you know?!”

Haruka can’t stop the big smile from stretching across his face. “You’ve always been bad at English.”

“Hey!” Makoto drags out. “I’m not that bad at English! I just… It’s hard to pronounce the ‘right’’ from the luh-luh…”

“Light?”

A sigh. “Okay, Haru. You don’t have to brag. Anyways, why did you call?”

“I”—I appreciate you so much. Thank you for always being by my side even when I wasn’t the easiest person to be around. I can’t imagine a life without you, and I’m only realizing that more and more each day now that we live so far away from each other. All the words in the dictionary couldn’t possibly describe what I feel for you. I love you so much—”actually forgot. I couldn’t sleep, so I called you.”

Makoto laughs again. “Ha-ha. You’re funny, Haru. Are you trying to say I have a boring voice?”

“Hmm…”

“So mean!” Makoto fake sobs on the other side. “Besides, you should really be getting to sleep now.”

“You should too.”

“I will… Just give me a few more minutes, okay? Good night, Haru.”

“Good night, Makoto.”

(After they hang out, Haru lies in bed, mentally beating him up over how he couldn’t say what he originally wanted to say. At least, he thinks, he got to hear Makoto’s voice.)

* * *

_for when we returned from_   
_Tokyo…_

* * *

_“_ Haru-chan, Makoto didn’t come home to Iwatobi with you?”

“Ah… Makoto insisted that I head home first without him because he had work to wrap up at his university.”

“ _Are you satisfied treating yourself this way?_ ”

_“_ I'm surprised Makoto managed to convince you to leave without him.”

“He told me that he would let me swim all day at the pool and then treat me out to an all-you-eat mackerel buffet.”

“I knew there was a catch…”

“Anyways, he called just this morning to say that he's arriving in just a few hours.”

“Wow. Haru-chan actually picks up his phone now.”

“Nagisa-kun! Don’t be so ru—actually… he’s not wrong.”

“ _C’mon, a little bit of food and sleep won’t hurt you.”_

_“..._ Well, if I want to hear Makoto’s voice and talk to him… Don’t I have to use my phone?”

“What the heck? You never pick up my calls when I phone you from Australia?!”

“ _You look horrible. Do you think he’ll be happy seeing you like this?”_

_“_ I don’t want to hear your voice.”

“Ugh… Did you at least confess to him yet?”

“ _What? Are you going to waste time again like you did with him?_ ”

_“_ Not yet… I’m planning to tell him when he comes back.”

“So… tonight?”

“... _Sorry. I shouldn't have said that_.”

_“_ Yes _...”_

“ _I’m just worried about you.”_  
  


  
_“_ Tonight _.”_

“ _Even Sousuke is worried about you.”_

_“_ Speak of the devil—”

“Ahem, Mako-chan is an angel… for your information.”

“It’s a figure of speech, idiot _.”_

_“_ What he meant to say is that Makoto-senpai is calling you right now.”

Haruka’s second year as a university student begins with a phone call.

“ _I know you’re hurting a lot, but.._.”

_“_ Hello? This is a police officer from the department of Tokyo speaking.”

This phone call is unlike all the other ones from before.

_Stop it._

_“_ You’re Mr. Nanase Haruka, right?”

This time…

_Don't you dare say it._

_“_ I’m calling you regarding a Mr. Tachibana Makoto?”

Haruka’s second summer as a university student begins with a phone call that shatters his world.

_He’s supposed to come home tomorrow. Haruka will see him tomorrow._

_He’ll come home to him... Makoto is not dead. He’s. Not. Fucking. Dead! Haruka still has so much to see with him, so much to hear from him, so much to say to him!_

_Makoto isn't dead._

_They were going to stay together forever. Forever! What happened to forever?!_

_Makoto can’t die! He’snotdeadhe’snotdeadhe’snotdeadhe’snotdead—_

~~— _Ah._~~

_~~That’s right.~~ _

_~~Forever…~~ _

_~~Forever is a word that doesn’t~~ _ ~~exist~~ _~~in his dictionary.~~ _

_~~Forever is a word that doesn’t~~ _ ~~belong~~ _~~in his dictionary.~~ _

Without Makoto, forever is a word he doesn’t ~~need~~ in his dictionary.

“— _HARU, COME ON! YOU NEED TO SERIOUSLY SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY!_ ”

“ _Makoto isn’t coming home! He’s not coming back.”_

_Stop it. Don't you dare say it._

_“_ You’re listed as his first emergency contact? Are you anywhere in Tokyo right now?

“Ah no… I’m in Iwatobi… Why?”

Haruka’s second year as a university student begins with a phone call that shatters his entire world.

“ _Tachibana Makoto...”_

_“_ For some reason, we cannot reach his family. So, I would appreciate it if you could break the bad news to them because...”

_~~In the end… Makoto was just an angel.~~ _

_“_ Because… it seems that their son has been in a train crash just a few hours ago.”

_~~An angel heaven wanted back again.~~ _

_“_ Luckily, we managed to uncover his phone… and luckily, it is still very much alive.”

_~~Their time together...~~ _

_“..._ We cannot, however... say the same for … him. I’m afraid...”

_~~It had already expired so long ago.~~ _

_“_ I’m afraid… Mr. Tachibana Makoto has... passed away.”

_~~But Haruka?~~ _

_“..._ I am… so… so sorry for your loss... _”_

_~~Haruka has only just realized.~~ _

_STOPITDON’TYOUDARESAYIT_!

“ _Our Makoto...”_

_Stop it…_

_Don't you…_ dare _say it..._

Despite the record high temperatures, to Haruka, it’s a cold… very cold summer this year. The shaking—his shaking—doesn't seem to want to stop.

“ _He’s dead, Haru.”_

* * *

_But you didn’t._

* * *

It’s like a blank canvas.

A world of nothingness.

It feels like a dream he's slipped into, but it isn't.

The green in his world is slipping through the crevices of his palm and he’s trying so damn hard to keep it—him—in his grip, but no matter how desperately he holds onto it, no matter how hard he begs for a second chance, no matter how many times he says the three words he should’ve said so long ago, no matter how—he’s gone. Haruka is pulling and pulling and pulling the red thread tied around his pinky, hoping it’ll bring him to the person—please—on the other side. 

If Haruka reaches out a little more…

Just a little more....

_Just a little more..._

Oh.

There’s nobody on the other side.

The red thread of fate is cut.

Someone cut it and took Makoto with them.

MakotoisgoneMakotoisgoneMakotoisgoneMakotoisgone! WHOCUTITWHOCUTITWHOCUTIT?!

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?! GODPLEASEGODGIVEHIMBACK! WHYDIDYOUTAKEMAKOTO?!

Then, the familiar blurry bubble of monochromatic colors—it’s worse, way worse—washes over him, pushing down on his body and traps him underneath the surface.

It’s suffocating him.

He can’t _breathe_.

He can’t _see_.

He can’t _move_.

He can’t _feel_.

Haruka is drowning yet again, but this time…

There is no Makoto to pull him out.

There is no Makoto to save him.

There is no Makoto to help him feel alive.

_This time, there is no Makoto._

_Tachibana Makoto isn’t here anymore_.

* * *

( _ ~~Remember the times I should’ve told you the words~~_  
 _ ~~I’ve been meaning to say~~_

_~~since the day I met you?~~ _

_~~“I’m sorry.”~~ _

_~~“Thank you.”~~ _

_~~“I’m grateful for you.”~~ _

_~~“I appreciate you being there for me.”~~ _

_~~“You’re the best.”~~ _

_~~“What would I do without you?”~~ _

_~~“I~~ _

_~~love~~ _

_~~you.”~~ _

_~~I thought I’d always have the chance to tell you everything one day~~ _

_~~because you’d~~ _ ~~always~~ _~~come back to me...~~ _

_But you didn’t.)_

**Author's Note:**

> (a) based off of this [post](https://tanasemakoharu.tumblr.com/post/182019347433/dahliadenoire-based-from-the-chinese-english-poem) and this [poem](https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/but-you-didnt-by-merrill-glass)! i think it’s definitely sadder now that you have read the entire poem and know makoto has died /cries/ this is like __ pages, but that’s because of all the spaces ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ i apologize if it’s a bit hard to read? i decided to experiment with the “jumping around” style of storytelling. ALSO!!!!! this was a wip for like over a year because writing this was honestly making me depressed LMFAO
> 
> (b) this oneshot heavily emphasizes haru’s negative qualities and minimizes makoto’s faults because that’s how the poem was written in order to convey the poet’s message: realize and thank your blessings before it is too late. at first, i was going to leave my explanations here. buuuuuut, i think it’ll be more fun to read outside interpretation :P feel free to ask any questions and i’ll answer! ♡
> 
> (d) might make this a twoshot, but i’m not ready for more angsty writing—it’s so much more time consuming than writing fluff imo. kudos to authors who write angst all the time! /wipes sweat/ if i do decide to add another chapter, it will most likely be makoto’s side of the story.
> 
> tumblr [@tanasemakoharu](https://tanasemakoharu.tumblr.com/) !!


End file.
